Monday, November 28, 2005
Now I am Free, Methinks...so what to do with this journal now?
By now my teacher would have been finished going through my blog. Today is the 28th of November, Monday. If things went as scheduled, she would have already gone through my entries and started grading me...she said she'd do it alphabetically...and since I am class number 3, my moment would have been over. So now I am free. *insertsighofreliefhere* Now what to do with this journal? I have about...6 online journals...one in tabulas (never really used that. just one 'hello world!' type of entry there)...one in LJ (used to update that from time to time)...another in LJ (the first one i made...made that into a (for a lack of a better term) dumping ground for some literary pieces i like)...one in philosophy.nu (unused)...this one in blogspot...and then theres the journal in dA (thats not really a blogging place...but it is an online gallery that has an online journal feature...so there)
now I'm free to post what I want. Perhaps i'll post here some stuff that went through my head before...compile it here...philosophical musings?
-----------------------------------------------
randomidity from Nov.6 2004
you can never say nothing happened.things happen all the time. every moment that passes is gone and cannot be repeated once more. every single moment is different. every moment. through the course of this thing that we refer to as life, moments occur. they pass by. tis such a sad thing that most of these moments that are for a period in time a part of one's memory will be lost. someday forgotten. if not forgotten, then...not recalled. not remembered. memories burried in the deepest recesses of the mind. emotion. humanity. thoughts.how sad it is that one cannot record every single thing. every moment. good. bad. your memories. data formed through experience. experience that has made one's persona. you. the self? [picture on the left from explodingdog.com]...here i came to type down what had happened during the past weeks...i've been putting off my duty (to myself) to update this journal...to record at least a bit of what happens to me. especially important things. in fear that i may forget them. here i came to type down what happened, and here i end up typing random thoughts. i felt inexplicable sadness. i dunno why. maybe i do know why. but how come?...well...i'll go think about that some other time...thinking...thinking too much might just paralyze me oncemore without my being aware of it. or if ever i do snap out of it, i may end up lagging behind as the world continues to turn....^___^...ya!...erm...so!...ack...the weirdness of me...>_>...bleh...will say things that make sense soon...^_^;... ---------------------------------------------------
oh yet another one...my...my...i'm so...dramatically angsty...-__-...from august 21, 2004
never have i ever claimed that i am a good person. never. i'm just living my life as i am. i'm just being my self. i dont go off pretending to be something i am 
not. i try to be as honest as i can. if i can just show how i really am to people, i would. if i can just show them how i really am! i dont really care...if they dont like what they see, well...thats their problem...my sister cant really scare me off with her "if your 'friends' could only see how you really are and wait till they find out" threat...coz its not like i hide how i truly am...sure...i have different sides...but they are a part of me...not something i put on for show.how sad it is...dear sister acts as if she knows everything there is about me...how my mind works and such...such a pity...i dont really care anymore...let them think what they want...its no use explaining myself to them...its not like they would understand even if they listen.i'll just let them believe that they are correct...you cant really change a person's view when they are too grounded on their opinion.i dont want to explain anymore...i dont want to be biased...i dont want it to seem like i am the poor, helpless protagonist...and they...or rather, she, the evil antagonist...i do not think that is so...if i be given the power to let people see things as they truly are, i would use them...whether i come out the heroine of the play, or the villain...it wouldnt matter...the truth as they say, sets you free...if i were to see things as they really are, and my judgement...not clouded by bias for my self, then i think i'd be happy. If it really turns out that i am at fault, i would accept that...and perhaps change my ways...i just hope the others would be the same too.
it just saddens me that they are in the illusion that they know how it is...if only that were true...-----------------------------------------------------
and another from august 14,2004...
its been awhile...how long has it been exactly? hmm...i guess its not that long afterall...for others, that is...
haha...silly, isnt it? yeah...it is...at least for me it is...its not like it matters...
i wait...telling myself that it wont be there...i make a bet with myself...it wont be there...wont...be there...
betting with myself...another silly thing...^_^...
if it appears, the part of me i chose to side with, would lose. oh well. tough luck. darn.if it doesnt appear, that side wins. HA! i WIN! i knew it! i knew it all along. i'm so great.
i wait...its not like i was asked to...i'm not required...i am bored! thats what its all about! i just need entertainment. that is all. of course! what did you think? HA! such an evil plotting being i am. such a user. ahhh~ yes. its coz of my selfish self. my self. and because it is for my self, i can erradicate the theory of it being that.
i'm just a confused adolescent. what would i know? of course it CANT be that thing! i dont deny the dact thatthe possibility of that thought entering the head of the confused, hormone-driven teen is quite high. ahhh...but i am aware of that. i am aware that at this age, i know not much about what is what. How would i know if what i think i feel is really what i feel?
its all because i am not exposed. naive. i know not much about the world. since that is /or at least my mind tell me that THAT is what i believe/ a fact, its certain that what i may confuse for something is not that at all. i dont know anything yet. thats why.
i would later find out that i am correct about it. that it is not what the usual adolescent would think. i would not fall into thinking the way the adolescent would think of such feelings that are controlled by hormones. i am aware of the meddling powers of hormones...that is why i tell myself to be critical...so i wont make a mistake. so i wont fall.
fairytales...chivalry! damsel in distress! happily ever after! joy and happiness till the end of time...
i am, the damsel, and ye the knight who would save me...the knight would sweep me off my feet, take me away, and together we will conquer the world<---crap...hmm...perhaps except for the conquer the world part...i am such an actress...as much as i would want to be the good! kind! nice (and all the other positive adjectives out there) damsel tormented by the evils but never gives up...and would some day be saved by the charming knight, i think that wont work in reality.
As much as i would want to be seen as a nice person, i dont think i am. I think...in those times that people find kindness in me, i'm faking it without knowledge. See how horrible?!? its all for the sake of fooling people! into thinking that i am nice!...funny thing is...as i expose myself, expose how evil and plotting i am...the more they think i'm nice! they dont know me...thats why they think i'm nice...if only that were true...if i were, i'd agree when people say i'm nice...since i'm not, i tell the truth. i say what i think.
ironic. i am evil but i do not enjoy lying. I am not a good person...so that would make me the opposite, which means...i am a bad person. I would only perhaps be kind if i were compared with some other persons...but on my own, i would not epitomize the word 'kind'.
fairytales are fairy tales. it would be nice if it were real...but then...fairy tales are called fairy tales because they are not real. if it were real, then it would be called 'real tales' then...right? its logic. Okay! fine...perhaps i'm just disillusioned...nice things like that of fairy tales happen to some people...there are hardships but together they would get through it all~...i dont see such things for me though...it would be nice...but...i want to be realistic rather than be caught up in imagination all the time...
oh! crap! what have i been typing!?...ych...product of ze evil hormones!
*note: i am back to my senses...-_-;...i was thinking of erasing this all but then again, it aint practical...i wasted my time away on this instead of doing productive things like...AHHH!!! the essay!!! oooh~...ateneo applics last day on the 18th...^_^;...crap...hmm...i guess i'll stick to the original plan of being honest in my essay...instead of buttering it up...sugar coating...yeah...coz i dont want to make up stuff...though i am very much capable, mind you...its just my choice...^_^;...hmm
1 Told me something
Tell me something nice?
-----------------------------------------------------------
drifting reverie posted this
@ |2:23:00 PM|
you can never say nothing happened.things happen all the time. every moment that passes is gone and cannot be repeated once more. every single moment is different. every moment. 
not. i try to be as honest as i can. if i can just show how i really am to people, i would. if i can just show them how i really am! i dont really care...if they dont like what they see, well...thats their problem...my sister cant really scare me off with her "if your 'friends' could only see how you really are and wait till they find out" threat...coz its not like i hide how i truly am...sure...i have different sides...but they are a part of me...not something i put on for show.